I'm never good enough

I'm torn between how i really feel and what people expect of me

I just don't get it. Why can't anyone accept me for the way i am now and expect me to pretend that i'm the type of girl that walks on sunshine and bake chocolate chips for no apparent reason. I know i can be too much to handle for a person, but idk, i have feelings. Can i just be a self-centered bitch with feelings without anyone complaining and shit? And i know it seems like i don't care abt anyone. But i do! i just don't know how to show it. i really dont. We all carry these kind of things inside that no one else can see. So please, try to understand. I don't know how to treat anyone and respect anyone even myself. "It's all about her, everything is all about her". That's what i think people would say about me. But they're wrong. It's not my fault i can't relate to anyone at all. I'm actually the nicest asshole that has ever roam this earth, but no one knows it. Sad. Fine wtv, people come and go. I remember everyone that leaves, so that's okay. I'm cool. But the thought of them leaving me just like that sucks. They don't know there's a war going on in my bloody mind. It's just sad you know? Everyone, i tried, i tried my best.

I'll just grow old alone and live with my 72 cats and they can eat my corpse when i'm done living. Peace!

Risks

As I washed my hands under the scolding tap,
I thought of him and wondered whether I should or not
For who knows what will come out of it
Whether it would be harmless or harmful

Would history repeat itself?
Would I have to go through this lesson again?
Or was there no lesson before?
Will I have to hurt again to learn?

The answer lies true in my heart
So if I tell you, will you tear it apart?
Or will you keep it a secret so only you know?
Will you cover it up so it won't show?
Will you tell me what I know is true?
So I can start loving you?

I take caution because of the past.
I only have control of this present situation.
I may say no or yes, yes or no.
I know not if he waits, but if he wants.
He wants and so do I.
Secretly.