I'm never good enough

I'm torn between how i really feel and what people expect of me

I just don't get it. Why can't anyone accept me for the way i am now and expect me to pretend that i'm the type of girl that walks on sunshine and bake chocolate chips for no apparent reason. I know i can be too much to handle for a person, but idk, i have feelings. Can i just be a self-centered bitch with feelings without anyone complaining and shit? And i know it seems like i don't care abt anyone. But i do! i just don't know how to show it. i really dont. We all carry these kind of things inside that no one else can see. So please, try to understand. I don't know how to treat anyone and respect anyone even myself. "It's all about her, everything is all about her". That's what i think people would say about me. But they're wrong. It's not my fault i can't relate to anyone at all. I'm actually the nicest asshole that has ever roam this earth, but no one knows it. Sad. Fine wtv, people come and go. I remember everyone that leaves, so that's okay. I'm cool. But the thought of them leaving me just like that sucks. They don't know there's a war going on in my bloody mind. It's just sad you know? Everyone, i tried, i tried my best.

I'll just grow old alone and live with my 72 cats and they can eat my corpse when i'm done living. Peace!

Risks

As I washed my hands under the scolding tap,
I thought of him and wondered whether I should or not
For who knows what will come out of it
Whether it would be harmless or harmful

Would history repeat itself?
Would I have to go through this lesson again?
Or was there no lesson before?
Will I have to hurt again to learn?

The answer lies true in my heart
So if I tell you, will you tear it apart?
Or will you keep it a secret so only you know?
Will you cover it up so it won't show?
Will you tell me what I know is true?
So I can start loving you?

I take caution because of the past.
I only have control of this present situation.
I may say no or yes, yes or no.
I know not if he waits, but if he wants.
He wants and so do I.
Secretly.

What if..

It’s all in the details. They way someone stops smiling the moment you aren’t looking. How their answers become shorter, their laughter a little bit more forced for every time. You’ll sometimes catch them with a distant look in their eyes, as if they’re staring into the big nothingness that surrounds them. Completely gone. Lost. Alone. You might find that they start distancing themselves from you, making excuses, feeding you with their little covering lies. “I’m just tired,” they’ll say. They’ll laugh it off, every single time. You should pay attention to how they start covering up their bodies, hiding every inch of their skin, hating every inch of their skin. They wont take your compliments, if so, you’ll only get a simple ‘thank you’ and they will take it all for lies. Self hate could easily be mistaken for self irony - although they say it with a smile on their face, keep your eyes open for the empty look that follows. Pay attention. Never look away. Because they are nearly impossible to spot, unless you’re one of them.

Making fun of others for fun?

Okay so i was on twitter and i saw a tweet. That person made fun of others because they have acne. I mean come on, seriously dude? H/she was like "Shut up, pizza face". That's just plain ass rude. There's a lot of people that love to make fun of others based on their physical appearance. It does not reduce their "utility", by belittling them. Even me, oh dear god, im sorry if i ever offended anyone, I have no intentions of making you pissed. Peace. 

Anyways, it's just wrong. They don't even asked to be that way. You might just end up hurting their feelings by disrespecting them. Some people however, tend to play it cool as if they don't even care people are making fun of them. Well, every negative action is only "bad" due to people's reactions to them. But in many cases, there is little reason to be upset when people make fun of you. Right? When they make fun of you, they feel happy over some weakness of yours. But is that necessarily a bad thing? It can be bad when they make fun of you in front of others and proceed to spread degrading information about you, causing other people to lose respect for you. But they could spread that information even when they're not making fun of you. So straight to the point, MAKING FUN OF OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT COOL! -LA

A fact

"Worrying is stupid,

It's like walking around with an umbrella waiting for it to rain"

-So just smile, and don't dwell on something that's already been done and just think on the bright side and smile :)

Another step

I wouldn't be talking about 2013 because i don't really care much about it and i don't plan to talk about my "New Year's" resolutions at any circumstances at all because I'll end up thinking, thinking hard. Everyone knows that too much thinking isn't good for the mind. So it is. There are some ups and downs in year 2012, and most of it are rubbish. But I'm glad to admit that, I'm grateful and I'm still blessed because bad things happen to other people around the world.

Okay, lets get serious. Feelings. I think telling other people how they feel is pointless, you're the only one that's feeling that certain way towards another person. It's a whole different story if that person have the exact same feelings towards you like you have towards them. I mean, you can't just transfer feelings by using a force of some kind. That's just pure and utter bull. If any of you out there is able to make that happen, my faith in humanity is restored! 

Besides that, i just don't know why some people just toy around with other people's feelings. Don't you guys feel guilty that you brought tears to someone that might have cared about you? Do you feel better by doing that? Is that it? It's just wrong, complete bullshit. One does not simply act like he/she cares and just leave them as if they were nothing, especially when they leave for another person. You're just trying your luck. You give all your attention towards the one you like the most, and you just ignore the other person as if he/she never existed without knowing that he/she might have already developed feelings for you. The hope that they yearn. The trust. All gone in a blink. 

So as i was saying. Everyone has feelings. But the kind of feeling that makes you feel as if you're soul has been ripped out of your body and you feel like you have nothing to live for is the worse feeling anyone should have experience. I always feel that way throughout the years. I felt that my life is a living hell. I am obviously tired of feeling that way because of someone's actions. At a certain point, I've reached my limit. I left my old life and tried to gain confidence to start living as a normal happy person. I don't want to go back to my old life. I never plan for it to happen that way and the past keeps on haunting me every single day of my life.

So here i am now, living my current life. Even the past cast a shadow upon me. I'm still staying strong. Just look at the bright side, there's always a solution for a problem and an answer for a question. Even when something doesn't go the way you wanted it to, there's always something you can be grateful and smile about later. -LA

Sacré bleu

Hello people. It's been months since i last updated my blog. It's because I got lazy to update my blog and eventually forgotten my password. I admit that I'm quite forgetful, yes I am. Well, as you can see i managed to crack my brain and figured it all out. So far, I just got two posts, including this one. I deleted all of my old posts from 2010 just because I feel that it's a little cuckoo and unnecessary. I mean, let bygones be bygones shall we? Take a chill pill lads, there's no harm in starting anew :)

So let's start with my recent updates. I've finished my spm examinations and I'm currently rocking the homeless look everyday at home till someone asks me out. Despite my laziness I do go out, rarely. I'm not completely lifeless just because I sit at home, on the contrary. As if I'm waiting  for a miracle to fall from the sky. It's been nearly a month since school ended, and I'm not ashamed in admitting that I am the most unproductive human being standing on this side of the earth. I wake up in the evening every single day. This is sad. I mean I will definitely be morning person if morning is past 1 p.m.

I usually keep myself busy in many ways for example having a movie marathon. Where else to watch a good movie online besides movie25.com right? Watching movies have always been a favorite past time of mine. I do lose track of time now and then, but it's worth it..i think. Enough of my movie enthusiast. Last night, I handed in my resume for work. So now I'm waiting for their call. I'm just hoping that'll i get the job. If i don't, I'll be devastated and maybe a bit frustrated. I don't want to sit at home and be a sack of potatoes, It's boring for heaven's sake. Some people might find it awesome that chilling at home all day after I've finished school. News flash juniors, it sucks! I can't meet my friends as much as I used to anymore. They mean the world to me. Besides that, I miss studying. Yes, I admit it. My brain is not progressing as much as it does during my school days. I feel stupid. I don't get to see my teachers anymore, I don't get to hear all their nags about not studying and not finishing homework or what am I going to do in my life. Hm. 

So basically, that's it.So here I sit, with my pajamas, instead of sleeping. Pondering what'll I do next in my miserable life. Thanks for reading -LA